Find My Happiness

Robert Frost once spoke of taken a road less traveled... I seem to have followed that advice quite thoroughly in my life.  I've done everything backward and without a plan.  I have flown by the seat of my pants, drifted with this life's current, and have come out on the other side worse for wear.  I have been broken, bruised, a little tattered, and even a bit upside down.  Now comes another chapter. Another time where I have to make a decision that will shape my future and I don't know what to do or even how to do it.

I am a skeptic. A realist. A bit of a cynic at times... okay more than a bit.  But I am cruising on the last two semesters of my degree and I need to make the adult decision of what I want to be when I grow up.  I don't know in all honesty.  I was accepted to two Universities and I still don't know.  I think I should be aware by now... and I am so not.

I love to write. I have kept a journal since I was nine. It speaks to me; helps me breathe when I can't sometimes.  Putting a pen to a clean sheet of college ruled paper can do more for me than a hundred sessions of therapy.
I also love to read.  I find that reading is more calming for me than almost anything else.  And opening a book, smelling its pages, feeling its binding in my hands is like climbing inside the adventure.

To me, these are hobbies. Nothing more.  They are things people do for fun not for career.  Realistically I can't make real money in this economy with a BA in Journalism under my belt, even though I want to so desperately.

Some say "Do whatever makes you the most money."  I disagree. Others say "You'll never be happy so it doesn't really matter what you do."  Again I disagree. I don't care how long it takes, how many really crappy jobs I have to take, or even how poor I am til the day I die, I will never stop trying to find my version of happiness.

Community College BFFs

A happy day and a sad day all rolled into one.

As one door closes, so many open up.  It was the last day of my Intro to Speech class and I just left the bar where myself and 13 of my classmates went to say our final goodbyes.  Boy was it bittersweet.

On the first day of class, Professor Robinson said "By the end of the semester you guys will be so close you wont believe it." And I didn't believe it.  I don't have trouble making friends so I figured this class would be like any other; I would come to class and leave each day without thinking twice about it. 

On the second day of class she had us all push our desks into a cluster in the center of the room. We were all touching elbows and our personal bubble alarms were shrieking inside our bodies. Uncomfortably close doesn't even explain it.  I honestly think that is where the ice began to melt.  From that point forward we would all hang out before class even started as if we were friends that knew each other for a hundred years.

Sometimes when I would show up even 5 minutes late I would get a text asking where I was.  Every day with this group of people was like going to a party where I knew I would get to see all my friends.  And every speech that was given was like opening a door into their personal lives, their hearts, and maybe even their souls.  I feel like my last minute decision to take this class was complete fate. I originally was taking an Intro to Film course - I had bought the book and everything.  The day before the class had started I dropped Film and took up speech instead. BEST. DECISION. EVER!

Going to the bar with these people was like amazing.  Hanging out in an uncensored environment where we could be ourselves and just have a lot of fun was unforgettable.

So to Cecelia, Mallory, Josh, Billy, Beth, Tyler, Patrick, Emily, Amber, Nick, Aleksey, Joe, Sarah, Evan, Cory... thank you.  For being you above all. I see things differently than I did 8 weeks ago and I could never have done it without all of you. I am here for you if you ever need anything and I love each of you. 

"All Democrats think blank"

"All Democrats think they deserve something while Republicans work their asses off for what they have."

This statement is bold and a little slanted right?  Sounds like something perhaps Bill O'Reilly would say?  This statement given today by none other than my Political Science professor in my American Government class.  I get it. Truly. A lot of people in this society expect something for nothing.  A lot of people don't have a high sense of value or work ethic like in years passed, however, to make a generalized comment like the aforementioned quote you better be able to listen to the other side.  

I am not a Republican.

I am not a Democrat.

I am, however, on Unemployment.

I am a single mother.  I could easily get child support, welfare, food stamps, medicaid, and other types of government aid just because I am a single mother.  I do not get any of these.  Nor do I believe that because I am a single mother or unemployed that I am "entitled" to anything.  

So I fought my teacher on it this time. I couldn't hold my tongue for the entire semester.

I started coolly with "Can you really generalize that?"

Then it went back and forth like so:

"Yup" he said.

"I know 6 Conservative Republicans on welfare.  So how does that work?" I asked.

"No you don't."

"I do, actually."

"You just think you do. They aren't real Republicans."

"Ohhhh so now you think that people are imaginary just because they may differ from you."

"You do not know anyone like that. And its just like a Democrat to blame Republicans."

"I didn't blame anyone. I am not a Democrat, but I can see you don't know how to have an intelligent debate."

Needless to say the rest of the lecture was lost because now my adrenaline was through the damn roof, I was seeing red, all I could hear was blood pounding in my ears, and I wanted to punch him in the throat. You have got to be kidding me?  No one has argued with him all semester. Not once.  He has slammed Democrats for eight weeks, not to mention talked about every minority under the sun and even used slang that you just don't use. I tried so hard to button my lips and chalk it up to ignorance or close-mindedness.  Not today...

I am not unintelligent. I am not a moron. I also do not know everything but I am willing to listen and perhaps even learn, but I do not take kindly to slander and bigotry.  Actually if you want to see me get angry - bigotry is great ammunition.

Several minutes later he was speaking about war and "what would happen if..."  I was still chewing on my lip and my face was still flushed.
"What if a missile was launched in the East and it blew up Alaska..." he began to say.
"Sarah Palin would die." I responded.
"Jesus Christ.  Another Democrat that wants to see a hardworking mother die. Is she really so evil to you? Let me guess, her daughter is a whore too, right?"
"Wow. All I said was that if Alaska blew up, she would be dead. Calm down."
"Typical Democrat."

That term began rubbing me wrong.  Like when you go to Cedar Point on a water ride in your jeans.  By the end of the day you can't walk because the fabric of your pants has chaffed you so bad. What a douche.  I am not a Democrat, but because I don't think like him I am the anti-Christ.
Yet we still wonder what is wrong with America and her politics.  I'll give you one clue. 

Wrists

Only 12 hours after the incident. Blah.  

I haven't been injured yet this year. Not even a ripping open of the knee during a super-awesome slide into second base. I didn't even roll my ankle at volleyball all winter.  I 'was' on a seemingly injure-free path.

Sigh.

24 hrs later

I took a ball of the wrist last night at ball.  Of course, it had to be the night before I leave for a softball tournament.  It was numb instantly and pissed off at me. Until 5 minutes later when I took a line drive off of it again.   Needless to say I needed a minute to regain my composure - as the ball not only hit me in the hand but in the face as well.   My face is fine, my wrist is not. Not. Not. Not.

I would like to think that my wrist trouble is the least of my worries when I have a tournament to play in all weekend, but I am scared to think what this weekend will bring with me pitching.  I am kinda nervous to say the least.

Dragonglass Hearts

I had to say a lot yesterday.  For those who know me you may think "Surprise, surprise. You always say a lot." But when "I had to say" a lot is in reference to my character.

Most people aren't as completely sure of their 'self' as I am.  And while I do not understand it sometimes, it doesn't mean that I am unaware, because I am.  Frighteningly so.

Yesterday was a day of explaining my inability to care.  I can love you, I can do nice things for you, but at the end of the day, my care-o-meter doesn't move from zero.  I don't lose sleep over you, I don't cry myself to sleep if you insult me, I don't journal about your idiocies; My heart strongly resembles that 400 foot wall of ice everyone keeps chattering on about in Game of Thrones. Or maybe I am a White Walker and you can only kill me with dragonglass. Something to consider...  Either way, caring is not in my repertoire.

I find that when I explain it to people it makes me super anxious.  I start pacing and using a plethora of hand gestures that I don't usually bring out in casual convos.  It almost like I get angry that  have to explain myself in the first place. Isn't "I am fucked up" sufficient enough?  Apparently not. So I constantly have to go through these motions with people and tell them why my heart is a black pit of despair, that I have no soul because I am a ginger, and that I will never care enough about you to make you stay.  I know, what a treasure!  I give the whole fairy tale.  My favorite part is no one stays when I push. No one ever stays.  No one can withstand the push. Maybe it's for the better.

My most treasured part is when I get a "One day, you will find someone who will stop you dead in your tracks and then you will sing a different tune."  Again, maybe someone should kill me with that aforementioned dragonglass. Where is Samwell Tarly when I need him?

Green

Everything is green.

The grass, the trees, the moss growing up the side of the garage, the aloe plant in the window sill, and even the duckweed floating around my pond next to the lily pads.  It hasn't stopped raining in 5 days.  Today is the first day the power has been back on in 25 hours so I could actually take a shower and wash some of the bug spray off my body and out of my hair.  I planted my garden before the rain began; I am sure everything has drowned by now.

I remember reading the first book of the Twilight series when Bella spoke of how everything was green in Washington compared to Arizona.  Well so is everything in Michigan.  It is squashy, muddy, damp and green.  Its especially fun when you go outside for five seconds and get eaten alive by mosquitoes.  My least favorite part is that it is ball season.  I want to play, I want to watch, and I want to be outside at the fields.  I've played 3 games this season...  6 have been cancelled.  My daughter plays two nights a week, 5 have been cancelled.  If this is premise to how awfully hot the summer is going to be, I am screwed.   This ginger is going to spontaneously (not maybe not even spontaneously) combust around mid-July.  

Absolute sidebar:  Today is day 229 of no smoking.

A New Semester

Yesterday in my Communications class we did a brainstorm on the board. Yes, precisely as you remember from 2nd grade. The teacher gave us one word and we shouted out what we thought she should write.  The word was "Indian." A great word for a brainstorm.  There were things like genocide, Native American, Hinduism, Mecca, Tepee, Islam, Casinos, etc... People were going in a lot of different directions with this word - which I think was the point. Then she erased all but one word: "Pocahontas."
She said "If I were going to write my speech on her I would perhaps do another brainstorm.  And the first thing that comes to my mind is Lewis and Clark."
Immediately I looked dumb-founded.  It was the first day of class so I couldn't exactly raise my hand and correct her, but now I am completely pissed off that a college professor with two Master's degrees doesn't know that Pocahontas stayed in Jamestown and was probably killed off by a bout of disease, not off traveling in the west like the ENTIRE STORY she told. I wanted to cough out "Sacagawea" but instead I jotted a note to myself down on a little piece of scrap paper and stuck it in my folder so I could think about it later. Class ended shortly after but now I was completely annoyed.

WTF?!

Back in 2002, I had this same teacher for my Comp I class and I really liked her. I excelled and got an A but I do not remember anything like this ever happening.  When I signed up for this class I thought to myself "Sweet. I remember her. This will be a breeze!"  Crap.  Now I can't focus on anything but her stupidity.  A college professor who just got thousands of dollars from her students who she is teaching the wrong shit to? Damnit! C'mon!  Maybe I should have just corrected her so I could move on and get over it.
Sadly, my daughters teachers aren't any better. They Xerox pages out of workbooks and send them home as homework.  No one is learning anything except me, because I have to do YouTube tutorials to figure out how to do her homework. Then teach it to my kid.  Maybe the district should pay me the teacher's salary.  My daughter even had to sign her name the other day and didn't know how to because oh yeah! They don't teach cursive anymore! So what do they teach exactly?  I think it may be a question that needs to be addressed with vehemence. Obviously whatever they are teaching -especially at the college level- is freaking wrong!  Oh my, this is going to be a long semester!

**Update: 5/13/13.  Today in my Political Science class the teacher referred to the book Little Women by one of the Bronte Sisters.  Oh dear.  Little Women was written by Louisa May Alcott. And I know this because I have read it five or six times.  I am hoping this was just a slip up because this teacher seems legitimately smart, but crap. I feel like I am worse off than not going to school at all.  This time I did correct it, for those of you that wanted me to the first time.  I told him "I am sorry for being a prick student and correcting my teacher, but neither of the Bronte sisters wrote Little Women."  Needless to say he thanked me for correcting him; however, I don't think everyone would be as grateful.