Right Here! Direct from the Lamp!

It always takes a random death or shake up for people to remember what a terror depression is, but as soon as the fray begins to fade, people forget that there are still a large number of us who deal with depression every single day.  That there are still a large number of us who have been affected by depression's wrath, and our lives -while potentially decent now- have been altered eternally.

I've been at my new place of employment for a whopping 4 1/2 months people say to me all the time things like: "You are always so happy." or "Do you ever stop smiling?"
They are mostly right. I am always pretty happy and I do smile more than most people.  I even laugh so often that my abs are sore when I come home from work, but no one knows that I struggle with depression.  No one knows that every day I fight demons that I cannot escape - no matter how hard I try. 

We all fight demons. We all figure our shit out differently than the next guy - some of us never actually figure it out.  Some of us cannot deal with what we are dealt.  I usually have an okay time with my demons; they each have names and places where I keep them, but not everyone is so fortunate.

Perspective is the hardest thing to keep with us every day.  It isn't something we set on an alarm and at 12:30 every afternoon we are reminded to keep ourselves in check and to quit being so judgmental or harsh.  It isn't something we can put in our wallets and when we go to the store the cashier will ask "Do you have your Perspective Rewards card today?"  Perspective is one of those unsung heroes that rescues us sometimes when we least expect it.  Like during the tragic loss of Genie.  :(

I have always considered myself lucky to be someone who suffers from depression.  And not because I like the looming gray cloud over my head, but because it reminds me to keep my perspective in check.  It reminds me to appreciate a really good day.  It reminds me that when I have anger or hate in my heart that maybe someone else is suffering too and I should just let it go.

Yes, sometimes it takes someone else's tragedy to shake me back into reality for a moment, but when it takes my perspective to a whetstone and sharpens it up, I can be nothing but grateful. I suppose perspective is my phenomenal cosmic power. 

I will miss Robin Williams for a great many reasons.  At 31, I got to be alive for the heart and soul of that man's career.  He will forever be my Genie of the Lamp.

Right here direct from the lamp.  

Right here for my very much wish fulfillment. RIP Robin Williams.  My Genie.

Everything & More

When you are four until you are eighteen you are constantly asked: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

 At 31, I suppose people think you have your shit together. As if you should have decided what to be for the rest of your life.  Most people decide in high school or their first years of college what they want to do for the rest of their lives.  I feel bad for those people.  I have no desire to do one thing, in one attitude, for the rest of my working life.  Every single aptitude test I have taken in the last 5 years has come up inconclusive. Even the acclaimed Myers-Briggs test - that men & women put on their online dating profiles: ISFJ or whatever.  I was every single letter at a complete 50/50 split. 

Then I took a 2-credit college course that is designed to guide you toward your career path.  The course was a complete waste of time for me.  I left more confused than had I not taken the class.

So I came to my own conclusion: I want to do everything!

I want to help people and rescue animals. I want to see things I have never seen before, and do something that makes my anxiety on the verge of overload.  I want to be a teacher, a writer, an editor, a coach, a waitress, a secretary; an unlimited number of things- just because, well... I can.  I don't understand the limitations people set for themselves.  Or why they choose a career based on a paycheck rather than their own happiness. 

Of course, money is the "bff" of happiness in most instances, but realistically, I don't want my 9-5 to be so miserable that I have to drink when I get home or take it out on my kids or spouse.   I want to wake up each day and not only love what I do, but live for what I do.  And for me, there are not boundaries to what that contains.  Yes, I am in school for Journalism and Political Science, but does that mean those two aspects of my degree will define me?  Absolutely not, thankyouverymuch!

Maybe all of this makes me naive.  Or flippant.  Or even a bit flaky, but I honestly don't know that those things concern me.  If at the end of the day I can lay my head on my pillow and know that I am doing what I love, then what else is there?