My 2015

'Tis that time for reflection again, and whilst I like to reflect after each event happens, I figure I would give a more general account here.


1) I grew some roots.

I am 18 months in to this job and it feels like I have been there for 10 years and it is still my first day wrapped in one.  I was promoted in May, now it is December, and I have hardly ever done the same thing twice; therefore, I retain next to nothing, but I seem to be pretty decent at it so onward we go. I look forward to coming into work (most days) and my co-workers and I seem to have quite a bit of fun together.  They are one of the best and most cohesive groups of people I have ever met.  They want me to step ahead and start solidifying my future there, so I suppose that is in the cards for me for 2016.  Series 7 or bust? 


2) I remembered how horrendous Junior High could be.

My girl, Lou, has had one hell of a year.  At first I wasn't sure if I was going to pull her out of her current school.  The lack of attention by administrators was disheartening, her friends were rotten, bullying was running rampant, and my heart was breaking.  I would come home from work and go directly to school, so I was seeing less of her.  But when I would come home after a 15-hour day and find her in bed, defeated, and crying, I wasn't sure where our road would take us at all.  I would sit at my desk at work and weep for her.  Knowing that from two cities away I couldn't rescue her on demand or save her from one of the worst rites of passage.  If I remember anything from Junior High at all, it was that it was one of the worst times I ever had.  And this, for me, was the whole of 7th grade.  Friends abandoned me, new friends came and went, I had to drop classes due to bullying, I stopped showering for a few months (uhm, ew!). Junior High was a disaster!  Yet here I am doing it all over again. You want to know what my sage advice was? I'm sorry, but "we all have to go through the horrible to not only find respect for ourselves but respect for the things we want most."
I can't go into school and beat children up for you.
I can't kick down every mother's door and tell them to parent better.  Maybe they work and go to school, too?
We only have 6 months left and then it is off to high school *barf* where the bullying and judgement from friends is on steroids, but I am sure after all this we will be fine.

My girl has a thickness to her skin now, that she will use going forward.  She sees people differently.  She understands more clearly that a lot of people are rotten, but the good ones are worth holding tighter.


3)  I graduated.
When I was pregnant with my daughter and about a year after I had her, I had been taking a class here and a class there.  Never with any real intention to go on and become a scientist or a sonographer or a journalist.  In 2004, I chose work over school.  For the next nine years, I would choose raising a well-rounded child who wanted for nothing over going to school. I would always say "When she needs me less, I will go back."  Getting fired from Lowes gave me that gift.  I suddenly had a surplus of time on my hands and was able to enroll back in school full time for two semesters, which got a large portion of my credits out of the way.  When my year of unemployment was over, I went back to working full-time, being a parent 365 days a year, coached softball, and also went to school 2 or 3 nights a week.  My kid could finally stay home alone, where necessary, and I was in a place in my life where I was able to juggle many tasks at once.  It all just worked.  3 years later, I graduated with honors.  Role model? Check.

Oh and with no tutor, pulled off an A and then a B+ in Algebra.


4) My big brother got married and I was his best man?

Toes in the sand and one beautiful sunrise.

After a half a dozen Xanex, one book, and two boxes of Good N' Plentys, we finally settled into our ocean-front resort hotel in beautiful Virginia Beach.  My brother, at 39 years old finally was able to say his vows to the woman of his dreams and the whole family got to be there for it.  I had been asked to be the best man and I loved every minute of it (with the exception of the Bachelors Party; being the only girl kinda sucked!)!  Either way, I prepared a wonderful speech, we took lots of freezing cold pictures on the beach, and we celebrated with total strangers the way families do. 



 

Guys and girls on both sides.  Beautiful new family and friends. <3

 Everything was right out of a fairy tale.  The dress was to die for, the food was wonderful, the people were fantastic, the DJ wasn't awful. The weather was crappy that day and we had to shiver outside, but amidst the cold I got to witness two people who make each other incandescently happy. 

We went to Jamestown and Washington DC afterward.  I rode the subway for my first time. I ate at a food truck for my first time.  I went to Arlington for my first time.  I got lost on the DC Highway system for the first... and then second time.  My 6th trip to Virginia Beach (and elsewhere) proved to be a lovely adventure.


5) My Bird and I went on some new adventures.

I don't have a spouse or even a significant other.  I haven't actually been in a relationship in many years now, but what I have been missing in companionship with a spouse, I find (for the most part) with my Bird.  We coexist in perfect harmony.  We don't often yell, we do what the other expects, we like most of the same things, we use a lot of the same products, and we share this innate longing for adventure.  I live and breath for taking in new sights and sounds; my girl shares my affinity for life in that same special way.  I don't have to explain to her why things are the way they are, why we just went to this new place, or why I am silent or why I am crying - she just gets it.  13 years of someone every single day will get you that way I suppose. 

My girl and my man!

This year, we adventured to Traverse City, Glenn Arbor, Ann Arbor, Virginia Beach, Arlington, and Sarnia, Ontario.  Each adventure was different and each adventure left us with unmistakable and unforgettable memories.

To my Bird, I dedicate a song that is as beautiful as you are.  Songbird


6) I found forgiveness.

I am not a fan of forgiveness or any of the feelings that come along with it.  I find it stressfull and my breath quickens just thinking about having to forgive someone when they were wrong. Hell, even if I was wrong.  I don't believe you should be "let off the hook" for a great many things, but then I guess I should decide whether I would like to be the pot or the kettle. 
This year, I forgave one of my biggest offenders for their past transgressions.
I even thanked them for being a part of my life and contributing what they did while they were in it.
As cliché as it sounds, I slept better that night.  I think I will always sleep a little better knowing that weight is gone forever.


7) I fell in love with some music.
For whatever reason I never fell in love with The Lumineers at the start; however, in 2015, they became a part of my soul.  Yes, The Lumineers are a horcrux.
The song She Used to Be Mine by Sara Bareilles was like opening a window into my own soul.  I know it is from the musical, The Waitress, but it is so MaryAnne and it moves me.  I hear it and I have to sing, but then my voice cracks and my eyes water. Ugh. Love.




If you care, here are my favorites from this year (whether they are actually from this year, I don't care):
Sara Bareilles - She Used to Be Mine
Gregory Alan Isakov - That Moon Song
The Lumineers - Slow It Down
Sam Smith - The Writing's On the Wall
James Bay - Let It Go
Hello - Adele
Like Real People Do - Hozier




2015 was really quiet in all the ways that matter.  There was loss and heartache like every year before, but there was also growth and understanding.  There were moments where I went a wee bit crazy, but there were moments where I found peace, too. 




I am hoping 2016 can exhibit more growth and solace.  I am looking forward to learning more and going on even cooler adventures than before.  I am looking to get out of my comfort-zone a little (high school, wahhhhh!), and I am anticipating finding out more about what I want and need from life. So bring it on 2016.  Universe, I am ready for you.







Little Tiny

My daughter is mostly mediocre.
Don't gasp in horror or immediately judge my parenting.  She has great moments, but most of them don't stand out from everyone else.  I don't expect her to play sports professionally or to go to college on a full-ride.
Does this mean I am not proud of my daughter? Not even a little bit.
Does this mean I am not in awe of her? No way!
What it means is that I am realistic.  I know that my kid is average in most ways.
I know that she has her glistening moments of amazement, but on the whole, she isn't earth-shattering.
Neither am I.
There is nothing wrong with mediocre.  It is actually okay to be average.

What isn't average and quite often stops me in my tracks is her heart.
There is no scale for the delicacy or purity of her love.
My little girl who has already been jaded by love and endured loss some people can't begin to understand has one of the kindest and sweetest souls I have ever seen.

Last week she called me on the phone with a break in her voice.
She had found a baby mouse in the driveway. He wasn't walking and couldn't open his eyes, but he appeared unharmed.  Little did she know I had found the sucker in the cats bed.  And thinking that he was dead I had drug the cat bed outside and put him on the grass.  A few hours later she found him, rescued him, and our little adventure began.

She woke up every two hours to hand feed this little baby.  He nuzzled under her fingertips and slept in the warmth of her hands.  He seemed to love his new mommy and I can't even begin to express the love in the eyes of my twelve year old.  She was beyond in love.  She was gentle and particular, and knew exactly what the baby needed to function.  She was the most attentive and loving mother I had ever seen.  And for a mouse.  A mouse that I was told "to flush" or "I'll bop it with a shovel" or "just stomp him with your shoe."  Horrific.  I cannot physically process doing something like that to the life of an animal.  Especially one so small, so helpless, and so sweet.

Needless to say, I knew we were in trouble with this one.  I knew the attachment would grow and that one day when we had to say goodbye to him (and once he was rehabilitated and his eyes were open that day would come) that I would have a very sad little girl.  My girl who has loved and lost two very important people in her life.  My girl who is so strong and brave.

I would come home from work and she would have spent a few hours researching how to raise baby mice and how to keep them warm.  She knew their life expectancy and how they like to sleep.  She knew what they would eat from infant to adulthood.  She kept her room shut up from the cats and the sweet baby locked away inside.

We got a good 6 days with our baby before the icy breath of death settled in.  In his last moments, his body went cold and his breathing began to slow.  All Alanna wanted to do was hold him a minute longer.  She was devastated that she couldn't see his little mousey face and whiskers looking up at her anymore.  And I felt sorrowful for the emptiness my daughter was feeling.
A mouse, the size of my thumb, brought me to full on tears.
All the while my girl wept in pain.

We cut a piece of his blanket, wrapped him inside, and buried him in the rock garden under our favorite tree. As we put the rocks back on top of the ground, we wept.  A tiny little life effected ours in such a monumental way.

I got to work today and emailed her before she woke up.  I told her I loved her and was proud of her. I told her that no 12-year old in their right mind would wake up every two hours to hand-feed a baby mouse - and on summer vacation!!  I told her that I was so proud of her selfless love.  I told her I was in awe that she could open up her soul wide enough to fill it with so much love.  Her mom doesn't have a heart like that anymore.  We practice kindness always, but love doesn't come easy for me.  I told her that I didn't know what I did to deserve her as my daughter.  I told her that her light made me want to be a better person. And it does.

My beautiful daughter who is mostly mediocre has an exceptional heart and for that, I am the luckiest mother.  She has given me everything I could ever ask for.

While I wish this could play as soon as this post was clicked, it cannot. So here is my little bit of my Universe. <-- this song may have been made for her.