I had to say a lot yesterday. For those who know me you may think "Surprise, surprise. You always say a lot." But when "I had to say" a lot is in reference to my character.
Most people aren't as completely sure of their 'self' as I am. And while I do not understand it sometimes, it doesn't mean that I am unaware, because I am. Frighteningly so.
Yesterday was a day of explaining my inability to care. I can love you, I can do nice things for you, but at the end of the day, my care-o-meter doesn't move from zero. I don't lose sleep over you, I don't cry myself to sleep if you insult me, I don't journal about your idiocies; My heart strongly resembles that 400 foot wall of ice everyone keeps chattering on about in Game of Thrones. Or maybe I am a White Walker and you can only kill me with dragonglass. Something to consider... Either way, caring is not in my repertoire.
I find that when I explain it to people it makes me super anxious. I start pacing and using a plethora of hand gestures that I don't usually bring out in casual convos. It almost like I get angry that have to explain myself in the first place. Isn't "I am fucked up" sufficient enough? Apparently not. So I constantly have to go through these motions with people and tell them why my heart is a black pit of despair, that I have no soul because I am a ginger, and that I will never care enough about you to make you stay. I know, what a treasure! I give the whole fairy tale. My favorite part is no one stays when I push. No one ever stays. No one can withstand the push. Maybe it's for the better.
My most treasured part is when I get a "One day, you will find someone who will stop you dead in your tracks and then you will sing a different tune." Again, maybe someone should kill me with that aforementioned dragonglass. Where is Samwell Tarly when I need him?
It's not a matter of finding "that someone that will change your outlook." It's a matter of someone knowing you, and knowing your quirks, and knowing that though you don't "care" you can still love them. I don't honestly believe you give a second thought to me in your daily activities, however, that being said, I know that you still cherish my friendship as much as I do yours, and that is the realization that someone will have to come to. Just because you don't think of them throughout the day, that doesn't mean you don't love them. That's the problem with people, they've associated love with thus concept of always being on the other persons mind, when in reality, said other person has any number of things going on and therefore isn't thinking about you all day. Doesn't mean there isn't love. Or maybe I'm wrong, just the musings of my mind at quarter to five in the morning.
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